The case for falling in line

Picking up bits and pieces from various writers that I admire and producing a relatively inferior narrative.

A lot of instagram is basically a bunch of people encouraging each other to be “fierce”, not care what others think of them, keep on doing what they love, keep on being who they are, etc. This is good advice for a lot of people. I have friends who are paranoid about what others might think of them, and bend over backwards to accommodate others, often at the cost of their own happiness. This advice is probably meant for them. They would truly be happier and more fulfilled in their lives if they stopped caring about what others are thinking, and did what they wanted.

This advice, unfortunately, does not reach them. People who frequently consume content and post on social media websites are often not the very accommodating types that I describe above, but those who are extroverted and think that they have important things to say to others. These qualities (traits?) sometimes correlate with narcissism, false self-image, etc. And it is these already-extroverted people, a subset of whom are already convinced of their relative superiority over others, that such advice to “be fierce” and “don’t care what others think” reaches. I know. Because I have been one of them (some would argue that I still am, and they’re probably right). Well here goes my spiel, which is a bastardized version of Scott Alexander’s “Should You Reverse Any Advice You Hear” and Freddie deBoer’s unfortunately titled “Women Do Not Need Lunatic Overconfidence” (my take on this article has nothing to do with women).

If you frequently get such advice on the internet, chances are that you don’t need this advice. You are already “fierce”, and have a search history comprising of things like “how to not care what people think”. Complex machine learning algorithms have picked up these search patterns, and keep displaying similar content. The internet is not meant to change you. It is designed to keep you in the hole that you’ve dug for yourself.

In my personal history, I have displayed a lot of personality traits that didn’t help in making friends or getting along with people. Ever. For some reason, I decided to try and change myself. This of course was not my first reaction, and I stuck to “be fierce” and “don’t care what others think” in the beginning. I was probably slated to stick to these notions for life, as I see a lot of people around me doing. But a lot of truly inspirational people, for some weird reason, agreed to hang out with me pretty often, and I noticed that that they were objectively far better people than me. So I decided to change myself.

Some changes that I’ve tried to make are that I try to speak less and let others take centre stage, not pass judgement too quickly, not express my opinion on something unless I am explicitly asked for one, not try to impose my way of doing things, etc. All of these are different manifestations of the same phenomenon: I learned to shut up. This is bad advice for a lot of people. Some people are very reserved and self-conscious. They perhaps need to be encouraged to speak out more and assert themselves much more. However, it was good advice for me. I am happy that I have tried to make this change.

So what does real, helpful advice look like? Most movies that we watch and books that we read ask us to be who we are, not change ourselves, etc. And when we try to do these things, some of us (like me) come away unhappy and dissatisfied. Hence, perhaps the only useful advice that there can be is “figure out where you want to be in life, and try different things until you get there”. This is so general that it is almost useless. However, it is still better advice than the more specific “never change” and “you are already the best”.

So kids, don’t take advice from the internet. The internet is not your friend. Wait…

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Graduate student

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